How To BEEP Off a Narrator and Authoress
by Loved by Pyramus
Summary: COMPLETE! It's a one shot fic with no purpose but to be insane! BWAHAHA!


What The BLEEP Does "Balmy" Mean, Anyways?   
  
By: Akurei   
  
Narrator: It was a cold and balmy--   
  
Yusuke: Hey, what does balmy actually mean, cause ya know, I hear it a lot and I can't seem to figure it out.   
  
Narrator: *Sweatdrop* You can hear me?   
  
Yusuke: Uh, yeah. That's usually what happens when somebody talks.   
  
Narrator: Oh. Ok then.   
  
Yusuke: So, what's balmy mean?   
  
Narrator: Huh? Oh, it means... *Pause while the narrator checks a thesaurus* Mild, clement, pleasant, temperate, gentle, and soft.   
  
Kurama: That doesn't make any sence. I thought you said it was cold.   
  
Narrator: I did? Oh. Well, just shut up and let me finish before I change the scene to an active volcano, ok?   
  
Kuwabara: Hey, you guys better listen to him! He works for the boss lady, and one time I ticked her off... I couldn't walk for a week!   
  
Hiei: Who is the "boss lady" you speak of? Does she rule here?   
  
Kuwabara: Kinda. She's the authoress.   
  
Hiei: Oh. Well, lets just get this stupid story over with. I have a hair appointment at noon.   
  
Kurama: *Raises eyebrow* Hair appointment???   
  
Hiei: Grr... Yukina conned me into it... Darn her...   
  
Kuwabara: Did somebody say Yukina!? Huh!? I--   
  
Authoress: WHY HASN'T THIS WARPED PUPPET SHOW STARTED YET!?!?!?   
  
All except Hiei: *Jump and wimper* (They've all dealt with her before.)   
  
Hiei: *Looks around in awe* How did you invoke such fear in the idiots?   
  
Authoress: *Pulls out book named "100 Ways To Make Your Story's Characters Obey Any Command" and flips to a picture on page 36.* That's how. *Shows the picture.*   
  
All but Hiei: *Cringe* Ouch...   
  
Hiei: *Smiles* Impressive...   
  
Authoress: .....you don't fear me..... *Googly eyes* He's perfect! *Cupid's bow and arrows appear.*   
  
Hiei: O_o *Gets shot* @_X   
  
Keiko: Umm... Not to be insubordinate or in need of torture but... What was that for?   
  
Yusuke: Keiko! Wait, how'd you get here? *Gets ignored.*  
  
Authoress: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! NOW, START DOING STORY STUFF!!!   
  
All but Hiei: *Fake acting*   
  
Authoress: *Smiles* Good puppets! Now, you listen to my dear narrator while I take Hiei away and spoil him to the point of obsessiveness. Ok?   
  
All but Hiei, who is now being snuggled: OK!!!   
  
Narrator: Finally! Some order! Now, where was I?   
  
Yusuke: You were contradicting yourself.   
  
Narrator: Oh! Right! Now, lets continue. It was a bright and balmy day in... Wherever the heck these guys are from, Japan. The cherry blossoms bloomed, children played, and--   
  
*Authoress pops in with Hiei on a leash*   
  
Authoress: Make it less cheery. Now.   
  
Botan: But I liked that! It was all pink and sunny!   
  
Authoress: Glares daggars. Narrator, exact my revenge.   
  
Narrator: Ok. I've got a really good idea too!   
  
Authoress: Yeah, whatever, just do it. *Pops out with Hiei on a leash.*   
  
Narrator: *Frowns, though no one can tell because no one can see him.* Grr... FINE! It was a dark and gloomy day in Japan when Yusuke and his group of friends bumped into each other in the park. *The sky turns from bright and pink to dark and blackened. Like grilled fish!* After some polite conversation--"   
  
Yusuke: Keiko, I really love your sweater.   
  
Keiko: Why thank you! How POLITE. God, you are SO out of character! Can't you do anything right!?   
  
Narrator: --the group was suddenly confronted by a shadowy figure!   
  
*Shadowy figure appears*   
  
Kurama: Who are you!?   
  
Shadowy Figure: No clue. The dude hasn't told me yet.   
  
Kurama: Oh. Ok then.   
  
Narrator: After several moments of deep thought--   
  
Kuwabara and Yusuke: *Scrunch up faces in pain and try to mentally find their brains, which is kinda hard when you need a brain to do anything mentaly. I think.*  
  
Kurama: *Calmly thinks without effort.*   
  
Narrator: --they discovered that they had no clue who it was because they'd never met the shadowy figure before! They asked the figure and it told them in detail, thus removing the shadows and exposing itself!   
  
Yusuke: Ok. Who are you?  
  
Shadowy figure: Umm... Hey, narrator dude? Can I pick?   
  
Narrator: Sure, why not.   
  
Shadowy figure: AWESOME! I choose to be... RICHARD SIMMONS!!!   
  
All, including narrator: AHHHHHHHH!!!   
  
*The shadows depart to reveal Richard Simmons, clad in a tight leotard and sweat band. He promptly starts aerobasizing.*   
  
Richard: And 1! And 2! And keep those arms up! And left! And-- *Gets slapped by the authoress with a large club.* Ugh!   
  
Authoress: NARRATOR!!! WHY IS RICHARD SIMMONS IN MY STORY!?!?!?   
  
Narrator: *Cringe* Umm... Because... BECAUSE IT WAS THE MOST EVIL TORTURE I COULD DEVISE!!! *Sobs*   
  
Authoress: Oh. Yup, that's evil alright. Just, next time, make sure you place him somewhere I can't hear or see him, ok?   
  
Narrator: (-: OK!   
  
Authoress: Great. Here. *Hands the invisible narrator a million dollar bill* That extreme work of evil deserves a reward. The revenge has been carried out brilliantly. Now, I have to return to Hiei. According to my authoress powers, he's trying to open a magic unopenable pickle jar in vain. If I don't hurry, he'd burn down the palace! *Poofs!*  
  
Yusuke: How come everybody always announces things like that instead of just poofing and fixing it BEFORE the last second???   
  
Kuwabara: *Trys locating brain to think.* I dunno. *Checks under the sofa.*   
  
Narrator: Who the BLEEP cares!? I'VE GOT A MILLION BUCKS!!! *Runs off to spend like mad*   
  
Yusuke: WAIT! YOU'VE GOTTA FINISH THE STORY!!!   
  
Narrator: *Pauses* Ok! AndsoafterdefeatingtheevilRichardSimmonsthevalliant"heros"eachrecievedamillionbucks, anewcar, agirlfriend/boyfriend, andanyotherrandomBLEEPtheywanted, Ok!?   
  
All: YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY GAY, wait... What? Oh, who cares.   
  
THE END  
  
Ok, some of you might be wondering what happened to Hiei. Well, the arrows wore off in the middle of a make out session. This followed:   
  
Hiei: WHY IS YOUR HAND... Nevermind, I don't wanna know...   
  
Authoress: *Blush* Hee... hee hee... Umm... Hi?   
  
~*~ Ten Minutes Later ~*~   
  
Hiei: *Trying to think of an appropriate torture* Ok, I could... No... Wait... She might like that too much...   
  
Authoress: MMPH MHMPHM MPHMPHMPHHHHHHH!!!   
  
Hiei: NEVER!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ok, now, more tortures... *Flips through book.* Oh! That'll work! Lets see... Tie to chair... Check! Laugh evilly... Just did that. Check! Strip naked and douse in cold water... Wait... *Looks at the no-longer-frightened-but-waiting authoress* Nope. She'd like that too much too... HOLY BLEEP!!! What the BLEEP can I do for torture on you!? *Rips off duct tape over mouth and waits for responce*   
  
Authoress: Ok, first, OWW! And second, I'm the expert of painless torture! YOU WON'T GET ME!!!   
  
Hiei: Oh, trust me, I'll find something... *Flips to next page and eyes glow evilly.* That'll work.   
  
~*~ Twenty minutes later ~*~   
  
Hiei: Hears screaming from inside and the singing of the characters on screen.   
  
Singing: I love you! You love me!--   
  
Hiei: *Cringes* Ouch... Barney... Maybe I was a little hard on her. Oh well. *Grins and leaves for his hair appointment.*   
  
Authoress: OH, MOTHER OF GOD, NO MORE SINGING!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIII?!?!?!   
  
THE END. Again.   
  
R/R, please??? 


End file.
